Life has a way, once in a while, of taking us places we would not have chosen.
I’m finding there are a few paths in life we can choose and control, and there are many we cannot. One path I did NOT want to take was divorce – it felt very like failure and not being enough. It brought shame, devastation and lots of fear. Surely, there’s something more we could have done.
I struggle with unrealistic expectations. Not everything is mine to fix. Sometimes, we must “embrace our powerless and stop pretending…we admit that we can’t continue the illusion of control. If it means that all the balls fall to the ground then so be it. We are so tired of juggling our lives; we are ready to accept whatever comes. Step one is the first step in a spiritual journey toward wholeness.” (The Twelve Steps: A Spiritual Journey, 31)
Some things are not mine to fix. Instead, I can learn to “accept life on life’s terms” and figure out “what is my part?”
Learning to Navigate
So, how will I learn to navigate the difficult places – places I would not have chosen?
Acceptance
First: I will accept that I am right where I need to be. Here is the place I begin. Here, and not where I might rather be. When I accept this is where I am, I can see that for me, divorce was a way to create safe space to face the damaging effects of alcoholism. It was a necessary step.
Next, acknowledge that the process of separating out our lives carries a trauma of its own. This makes sense, so I’m not entirely sure why this takes me by surprise. I wonder: if I were to work the twelve step program regarding divorce and its effects, what would I discover? It seems a reasonable approach to try.
Practicing Steps One, Two and Three
Step 1 – I am powerless over divorce, at this point, because it has happened and I can’t change that. I am powerless over the unmanageable feelings that accompany being uprooted: I was unable to keep my house, my easy way of spending time with friends and family, or my ministry. I needed a job, a lawyer, and a place to live. I needed to spring challenging events into the lives of my children. I felt cruel: surely there must be another way.
Grief became a constant companion. I felt hurt and angry that i was making choices I didn’t want to make, but I could see that staying where we were wasn’t an option. We needed something different for the well- being of us all.
Step 2 – A power greater than myself can restore me. The way through was not going to come from isolating myself. I needed help, and I found help through the twelve-step program Al-anon provided. I learned to talk about my confusion with people equipped to understand, and I learned to listen and apply the tools they found helpful.
Step 3 – I made a decision to turn my will & my life over to God’s care. I found that when I let God into my struggles, He speaks to me in specifics necessary for today only. This breaks the journey into bite-sized pieces. I needed the humility to listen and follow. I had to quit thinking my preferred approaches were the best. This simply was not the case. I needed new approaches and a bigger perspective, and God provides this in “one day at a time” chunks.
Action
We needed action, and the Al-anon fellowship and steps provided invaluable wisdom, courage, and daily support. I awoke to needed action one day at a time. When a step became clear, I took it. When in doubt, I waited until I had clarity. When I was confused, I simply worked the program by doing readings, attending meetings, and answering questions posed in various workbooks. We need NEVER take action before we have clarity.
I learned:
The uprooting of a chosen life, whatever the reason – illness, death, divorce, moves (there are myriad possible reasons) – creates emotional responses. These are real, and we can learn safe and helpful ways to express them. The steps provide a healthy way to do this. Through the process of working the steps regarding the parts of my life I did not want, I discover more about who I really am. This becomes a blessing.
Beginning today, with the first three steps in mind, I choose to talk to God as honestly as I can about what is true for me RIGHT NOW today. I can tell him my feelings – the ones I find acceptable, and just as important, the ones I find unacceptable. I choose to turn each of these over to God’s care and let Him determine outcomes.
Enough, today, just to tell Him – and myself – what they really are. Let them come out safely.
*Step One: In Al-Anon, we learn we are powerless over people, places, events and outcomes. That powerlessness can bring strong unmanageable feelings.
**Step Two: Came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity.
***Step Three: Made the decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understood Him.
