“Facing life on life’s terms,” comments a friend, “involves being honest with myself about what I’m feeling. This is a necessary first step.”
To be honest – I’ve found my journey to be hard, and I don’t like many parts of it. I’m no longer married when I thought marriage was forever. I took steps I didn’t think I’d take. Old friendships become awkward, and I find that navigating conversation now takes skill. Like maneuvering through rapids, I constantly consider: How can I avoid the boulders that sink me emotionally??
This is exhausting, and it stirs grief: why do relationships become so difficult? Why have things turned the way they have??
I never find “why?” to be a very helpful question. To me the better question is “what?” – What am I to do since this is true? Here’s what I am learning:
Let Go and Let God – my growth is God’s concern, and I don’t have to control it. I can admit there are plenty of things that I don’t know how to handle correctly. This is ok and quite normal. I don’t have to pretend it’s easy, and I can grieve when change is hard. I can also enjoy good days without guilt. Grief and joy can, at times, co-mingle; the oddest emotions go hand in hand. I can let them. It’s all OK. The more I practice this tool, the more convinced I become that “Let Go and Let God” is the life-giving choice. Power and growth lie here.
Feel Your Feelings – they are valid, they have something to teach, and I can learn to listen. For me, this is challenging. I tend to bury feelings that scare me, “Maybe they’ll go away; maybe they’ll stay buried!” Sadly, this doesn’t work. Strong emotions – obsession, anxiety, anger, denial and guilt – pound like waves on the shore. They overwhelm and they don’t stay buried. Instead, they surface at the least opportune times.
I learned that feelings, which stem from our heart center, signal to us that it’s time to address something. They can’t tell you what needs addressed. They simply signal: something is amiss. At first, navigating them felt like trying to interpret a foreign language. Some of the feelings were so very strong and unwanted. I had no idea how to delve into feelings and I wasn’t even sure I wanted to do so! Let me encourage those of you who find yourself in this same boat, it’s worth weathering the discomfort.
I read (Courage to Change, 24): “Be honest with yourself. Don’t pretend to feel something you don’t feel or want something you don’t want. Find out what you think, feel, and what your motives are. You don’t have to act on them, but don’t hide them from yourself.”
Now, when emotions start their churning, I want to make time for them. With pen and notebook, I begin, “Welcome, Julie’s feelings. What would you like to say?”
At first, I found it hard to identify feelings beyond “good” and “bad”, but I found help. Turns out, lists of feelings are available online. I printed a list, and when confused, I read over the list. I write a list of possible candidates. Slowly, I gain insight into what my feelings are trying to say. This helps me know who I am and what I prefer. It helps me recognize when my boundaries are being crossed. I find that it’s helpful not to analyze or problem-solve at this point. It’s enough just to listen. I end the session: “Thank you for speaking up. I hear you!”
Ask for Help – As my situation intensified, I began to realize: this issue is bigger than me. I need navigational help, but I had no idea how to get help. And, to complicate things, I tried discussing the problem with people who could not relate. In my experience, active drinkers rarely see drinking as a problem. They feel the problem lies within you, and to some degree they are right. Other friends felt sympathy, but didn’t have access to effective tools. I needed specific tools and help. I needed new approach. Good news: help is available. I started by telling God I had no idea how to get help (I needed help getting help!) When I asked God for help, it began showing up in a variety of ways.
My breakthrough occurred in the basement of the local library. Desperately seeking guidance through baffling confusion, I discovered a book which spoke to my specific needs. Embarrassed to bring it home, I sat down at a library table with a tiny sheet of paper and scribbled notes. These notes became a lifeline for me – there is help! Others have been through the same situation; what a relief!! That book, published by the Al-anon Family Groups, brought me to Al-anon. At first, I was shy to attend, but it was worth the discomfort. I cannot overstate the helpfulness of this organization. Suddenly, I found people experiencing similar issues, and they regularly share insight into what has proved helpful for them. They have learned to navigate the rapids, and they are happy to come alongside. For this I am grateful.
Strengthen Your Connections – the best sustenance and strength have come to me through connections with God and others. I’m not alone, and that’s good comfort. I’ve found: just as God speaks directly to my soul when I’m willing to sit quiet and listen, God also speaks through the community of people who’ve traveled this road ahead of me. Friends who had not experienced relationships affected by addiction meant well, but the strongest help came from those with experience in the nature of addiction.
By learning to let go of trying to control impossible situations, by feeling my feelings and accepting the help of those equipped to help, I have found new growth and peace. It’s been a challenging journey, but also a blessed one. I bless you on your journey!
